Sunday, January 11, 2009

A true /or thru with/ love management

It's better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. -Confucious

"I'm thru with love...I'll never fall again...Said adieu to love...Don't ever call again..." 

What an adorable song by Henry Busse!!

You used to love him. It was him. And with him, you were everything. A fluffy rabbit, a heroic joke, a constant firework, a cheesy romantic, a fruity cocktail, a unique sunrise, a perfect picture. The kind of love where you actually cannot even see the limit of it: it's unconditional, it's infinite... it's indescribable. And as much as this emotion is intense, the antagonist is a much greater burden to carry. The kind of pain where you actually cannot even see the limit of it. Rain in the night, oil in the water, a mirage in the desert. The hurt is so profound: it's heavy, it's insane... it's unbearable. 

You used to love him... and went through the fire for him [in courtesy of John Legend]. And you're still going through a damn fire.
  • Fooling yourself
You've heard it all: He's not worth it anyway. You'll find someone better. You can live without him. This will make you stronger. You're better off since it's over, and so on and so forth... Even how reassuring and true all of this is, aren't you quite a stubborn wreck? Yes, of course you are. Can you please stop fooling yourself? Indeed, despite this whole circus, truth is: you love do... you just do. Every night you would tear your heart up -- not only for the pain to go away but also because it's time to stop loving him -- but come the morning, your heart would be full again. The rebounding process is the longest and the hardest, but often one that is not always fully accomplished. And by this it is not meant rebounding as jumping into the next fling or relationship, but coming back to who you are "without him". If you miss this period of sulking immensely and getting lost in yourself again, you are not going anywhere. Assuming that you are okay when you're clearly not. Forcing rebound is the best recipe for a catastrophe. Ask yourself: What specifically makes you strong (or stronger)? It's not being a rock of confidence, a fierce woman or just the wish of not being alone. Real power is opening your eyes, stop lying to yourself, admitting and accepting you are weak. This will make you even stronger. It may take a lot of time but it will be no minute less, no minute more than it needs. 

In addition to that, women know this: when relationships don't work out, it is common to feel that history repeats itself. And the conclusion to that would be: "Men are all crap and all the same anyway!" It is true that the hurt of a broken heart may be similar (or even worse) but let us not forget that they are still totally different people i.e. different relationships. It is not only childish to put him in that category as undesirable happenings occur simply because he proved to be "like the others after all", what is even worse is to find someone else just to forget or replace him. Why the urge and the need of evidence that there is a man out there who can actually be an exception? 

Going back to the game... a rebound or not... Just giving love a chance again... being ready for it or not... provoking it or not... It is not a secure place. And even if you've moved on and you are at the top again. Ironically, what is certain is that uncertainty remains. There is no assurance that this time, within a new relationship, it will work: everything and anything can happen. Could you ever think that this one great relationship could be the trigger for unbelievable pain? What you learn from past relationships will remind you what you desire and what you will want to avoid.. and what is a good start is to remember that love is not about finding an exception in the bunch of men, to finally shout to yourself "this one is different, he won't hurt me". He surely is different, but more to it, it is love that is the exceptional relationship. And the sweetest candle you could light is to never forget to be a lover of love, despite... To have believed and still continue to do so. Never ever give up on that incredible feeling.
  • He doesn't love you
... because if he did... yes, because if he did, WHAT?!? Looking back is one thing that is totally unnecessary. Questioning, analyzing and counting points leads you to NOWHERE. Asking: Why? Could it have been any different? If you had or hadn't done or said this? If you had or hadn't reacted like that? Why did he... or why didn't he? Who is wrong? Who is right? IT DOESN'T MATTER. It's a waste of time. It's a waste of thoughts and may I also add, it is exhausting. Looking back is just going in circles. Things are just the way the are. Now. At this very moment. What has happened... happened. And he doesn't love you because... he just doesn't. That's being in a relationship: you should be working together. And that is absolutely bigger than destiny. Both of you cannot change what's been, you can only use it to look ahead. And if it's not the case... then truth is you cannot do or force anything anymore. Enough of finding reasons or excuses... Enough of even blaming him, and especially, please stop blaming yourself. Of course, it would be so much easier for your heart if you could indeed hate him. But you shouldn't. And you won't. Hating him is hating yourself, it's compressing this ball of evil into your stomach. It is not healthy for your conscience. A total nightmare. And in the end, none of it makes you feel any better anyway. Not the slightest bit. Important is at least you wanted, you tried, you fought for your love. If he gave up on you, all you can do is wish him the best. The Why? may hunt you indefinitely... Yet the brightest candle you can light is to simply never ever regret to have loved him.
  • Time destroys everything
How could you ever love someone else as much as you loved him? How can pain and deceit be minimal enough to finally look forward? How could you ever trust another soul? Can you believe in love after love? Finally, when do you really cease to love him? No definite answer?! There is no formula which one can hold on to. But you are definitely realistic... and maybe hopefully optimistic. The best candle you can light is just to be surprised of what plan awaits you.