Monday, January 12, 2009

My faith

Recently, one of my very close friends asked a simple yet probably the most revealing and important question of my entire life. With this latest happening in hand, she wanted to know only one thing about what had occurred: “ So, my dear, did He leave you a message?” I startled. And there it was. Crystal clear. It has never been clearer to me. With conviction, with sparkling eyes, with this big heart, I embraced the answer: “ Yes, He did leave me a message. The most beautiful I could ever get.”

This feeling of “things happen for a reason” and especially “why it happened to me” took quite THE turning point. Long have I wondered about what this sentence really meant… or how serious it could get. And even if it came down knocking at my door in a rather very shocking and scary way, I could not be more content about it. But let us take it from the beginning, shall we not? Because it truly took me a very bumpy, challenging and difficult road to get here.

In very straightforward terms, I am what you would usually call the person who lies somewhere in-between in regards to believing and having faith in God. And by this, it is not meant questioning His existence, but simply questioning having faith. Conclusion: An unstable faith. A fragile faith. A roller coaster faith… It has definitely not been a smooth and continuous path. I have believed. I have felt. I have experienced. But somewhere along the way, it almost became a struggle to know what it meant to have God in my life, until it finally got me to silently shouting “If God is so good… then where is He?”

To know that my faith could jump from south to north (with maybe sometimes a stop in the middle) assured me that I was still finding my way. But the thing about trying to find that way… You may tend to take the other direction instead of staying put and continue fighting. Insecurity maybe? Giving up so easily maybe? Fears maybe? Inconsolable deception maybe? Or simply a lack of faith after all? I knew for a fact that it came more easily and continuously to others, as a matter of fact to most of my entourage actually. But it was really something more challenging and different to me. As much as I wanted to believe, and even if these statements should not be compared anyhow, I took a good look at this world, even at our own lives entwined… And I realized that sometimes, when you start lacking faith in people and situations, you really begin to wonder and getting nauseous. And you choose to finalize those doubts by saying good-bye.

…Until that very special night. In all honesty, the kind of event which would bring someone like me to not only lack faith, but also bring me to be angry with God. Yet to my very own surprise, the situation took a whole different road.

God saved me during that crash. He really did. He really really did.

The second I opened my eyes and saw the glass broken into pieces, the second I could not move my body and it hurt so badly, the second where everything and anything was rushing through my head, the second I disappeared… I turned to God, and I had not done that in a very very long time. And I cried to Him. I plead for His Mercy. I asked for forgiveness. And I said something I thought I would never do in my lifetime: Thy Will be Done. And at this very moment, He held my hand.

I appeared. The next second I opened my eyes and still saw the glass broken into pieces, the next second I still could not move my body. It even hurt more than before. I was frozen. But it was not everything and anything which was rushing through my head anymore. It was my heart: it was rushing to a million kilometers per hour, and not because I was afraid. Something horrible even life threatening had just happened. But then, I did something that I had never done before, I trusted God with all that I am. I knew that God would take care of everything and that He had want me still alive for a reason.

It is said that we were very very lucky. So lucky that it seemed almost impossible. It did sound like a miracle. People also said the Lady of Fatima looked after us. I fiercely believe that. As for my part, I got it the worst as all of you know. As the doctors say, my situation was pretty delicate yet I was truly immensely lucky. I am truly blessed. My family, my friends, my peepz, my community and I were really worried and dazzled. But it turned out very well. And let me tell you something, no one should ever doubt how powerful prayers are: so strong to give hope, to give comfort, to give courage, to give support, to give love, to give compassion, to give LIFE.

God gave me a second chance. God gave me a second life. Now the roller coaster has stopped. It is a straight road and I will follow it no matter what will come. Challenges, as hard as they can get, are definitely a number one factor in life. Sometimes our plans and life do not turn out the way we want them to. And we are angry and disappointed. We are hurt and broken. But God has a plan. I KNOW having faith does not come that easily to many of us and I am not saying you need a miracle to attain it. I believe that faith takes the road that it needs. Maybe I needed that crash to get me awaken. God has His ways to show His love and His mercy. And the thing is: all you need to do is trust, praise and love Him with all your being. Life is good. But it is a life with God that is real. There are a thousand reasons not to believe and have faith. But there is one reason why one should believe in God. It is what I, someone so doubtful about Him… someone almost ignorant… someone in-between, am feeling inside as I write these lines. God’s love is so beautiful, it is so warm, it is so nourishing, and it is so unconditional… It is the One way. God is good. God is almighty. God loves each and every one of us. And if you do not know that yet, do not worry, you will. God bless you.