Thursday, May 14, 2009

The cure and the cause

Since the beginning of the spring season, my whole world has been evolving around the most intriguing person who has ever crossed my path. I will simply name him Beatle guy and it is not because I do not want to reveal his identity, but it is honestly how I call him. The reason why I gave him this particular nickname is because he genuinely looks like the fifth member of the Beatles, as if John Lennon, Ringo Starr, Paul McCartney and George Harrison lost him along the way: he has the exact same hairstyle and has got a unique sense of fashion. Frankly, in my own personal opinion, it seems that Beatle guy was born in the wrong decade and belongs to a previous generation. Do not get me wrong, I do not mean to be offensive -- neither to him nor to men who have those haircuts and love skinny jeans way too much -- but I cannot deny the fact that Beatle guy projects this odd, interesting, "from the 1960's" aura; therefore making it hard for me to categorize -- to  even admit -- this monumental sensation I get when I see him, talk about him, talk to him, dream about him. Obsession?

These feelings came knocking at my door in the most astonishing way. Actually, I noticed Beatle guy a while back already, in the beginning of the autumn semester -- because, for all the reasons stated above, he does stand out in the crowd. I want to underline the fact that the only reason I did notice him in an auditorium of more than three hundred people is not because I thought he was cute or handsome. But once again, it was due to his unique style. It made me laugh. Consequently, I made fun of him. Call me mean and judgemental if you must, and I confess it was the case: I was mean and judgemental. But that's how I first laid eyes on him. 

This semester though, we happen to have a class together. And a few months ago, the unbelievable, most unpredictable thing happened. He held his oral presentation and... well, indeed, how weird would you feel if lightning struck only by hearing someone's voice? This man, who is actually not my type at all, someone I wrongly made fun of; suddenly became the object of my desires, associated with terms like charming, cool and attractive. There is something about Beatle guy's voice that really blew my mind away and I then saw him in a new light. That tone is a mix of manliness, sweetness and it is totally sexy: the sexiest voice I've ever heard. It is sheer perfection: so overwhelming, it gives me the shivers. Ironically, the nickname I gave him months before made sense after all. Now I am sure that Paul McCartney and company lost him along the way (probably while they were touring haha!). He brought up in me some kind of domino-effect rush of adrenaline. And I couldn't help but wonder: "What in the world is happening? I am starting to 'like'  Beatle guy." But I decided not to fight it, accept the unexpected. Instead, I left my feelings to pleasure. First it was my eyes sparkling, then my fingers getting numb and finally, I could sense my heart racing, mad crazy. 

Beatle guy and I managed to know each other better in the mean time but only in rather peripheral, superficial way. We exchange our 'hello's' and talk a tiny little bit, yet there's nothing more I can add to that statement. To some extent, I am assured that this situation is for the better: friendship might be on the menu and we'll maybe get there one day. But for no apparent reason, I want to keep him at a certain distance. The odd thing is that I am dying to know him better, but something is holding me back from doing so. Maybe because I cannot believe I fancy someone who I normally would not fancy. Maybe because I know that we are from two very different places and there is no bridge that can connect us. Or perhaps it is also because I like, and want him to remain an 'unattainable' fantasy, never to be realized. And I assume that whatever I feel for him is only but a crush. A crush in your twenties? Please, it sounds more like an obsession, mate! I've heard it all before, I do not know anything as long as I haven't found out if this could be anything else. But for once, obsession -- just looking from a distance -- now fits just right. I do not want to spoil it: an obsession is no longer an obsession when we fulfill our longings. After all, obsession is something that we don't look for, it finds us.

We say things happen when you least expect them. At times, we only get to really see people when we are ready to see them. Was it the case: should I finally hear his voice to have a closer look at who is behind the haircut and the 1960's persona? Was I meant to hear so I could contemplate on what obsession is really all about? Mission accomplished: I am contemplating on obsession, obsessing about Beatle guy and I am loving it. What I am sure of, in retrospect, is that we do not get to come across that many people who are capable of making us melt. Really melt. It was not at first sight, but magic occurred at 'first sound'. What about that for a change? It'a moment. It's a look. It's a touch. It's a smell. It's a sound. Obsession is a sensation, probably fleeting but definitely massive.